Changes by Exchange Year

CHANGES BY EXCHANGE YEAR

I am going to present you what changes can be made by exchange year. I am going to use my actually experiences/examples too, for explanation.

There are so many things what you change when you start to live in another country with other families. Nothing else will the same.

For me, the land changed, because it is more red here, the sun changed, because it is so much hotter, and changed the sky too, because there is more light in the city, and you can’t see the stars that much. My hair was getting lighter, just like my skin started to be darker day by day.

This is how everything started to change.

Behaviour

I came from Hungary, where almost everybody is so serious. It doesn’t mean that we don’t make jokes, or we never tease each other. But these jokes usually don’t work like jokes. Now I already don’t know exactly why, that some people are that rude, or some people just get mad easier. I really don’t remember. But I know that we don’t tease each other that much or like that just for fun. (Especially with serious face.)

I will never forget when in my first week in Paraguay I had the first math lesson. I didn’t have book yet, and Analia and César told me that if I don’t have a book, I have to go outside. They looked like so serious, and I didn’t understand what is happening right now. I tried to look at the teacher, but she had a kind of pokerface and I couldn’t decide what I should do. Nobody else said anything. I was so confused with my no spanish and my little english, with what I couldn’t discuss anything. For example I couldn’t say that Analia doesn’t have a book neither, so why doesn’t she go out too? But some long minutes later they finally told me that they were just joking.

I started to get used to be teased and (later) to tease too. My behaviour changed. I already talk in an other way. I don’t get everything that seriously than before. Once when I talked to one of my best friends, we jarred because I wasn’t that serious like she thought I should be.. She said she feels like I don’t care what happens with her, and she’ve not liked what I’ve done in these weeks. I didn’t understand that much how she means, because I didn’t do anything special, anything wrong. But I said sorry, and agreed with her that I should try to be.. like kinder or something. We are okay now, but I told it for see how far I am from some of my old friends. And I doesn’t mean the fisically distance.
I was so quiet when I arrived. It was because of the language. I am totally not quiet in my country. But I think now a lot of people know how I really am. I hope so.

I think there is one thing more about how my behaviour changed. One thing what my behaviour depends or depended on. It depends on that I am the only exchange student/or hungarian or not. Because when I was with exchange student, sometimes I felt so alone with my language, when I didn’t speak that much in english or spanish, and when I was with people from Paraguay, sometimes it was worse, because my spanish was so bad and I felt more alone when they did jokes about the exchange. Or they teased me with things like „It’s my country. You can’t do that in my country.” or „Who cares about your country? Tell me who! Nobody, right?” or other things like that. I know they didn’t mean these things, but it made me more quiet. I tried speak less, because I always tried to say good, right things, but they always teased me, especially when I made some little mistakes, so because of that I was very afraid sometimes to use wrong words, or say or do something not right..

But everybody changes during his/her exchange. I got used to be like them, to tease and to be teased, I learnt that they don’t mean things how they actually say them so I started to be more opened and show more from myself, my personality.

Values

Before and when I left my country I felt there is almost nothing what makes me want to stay. I am going to say again that I felt there is just ALMOST, so I love my family and my friends, but I’ve never had homesick before, so I thought it won’t be that hard, and the time’ll pass by so fast. I thought I won’t miss too much things. I was right when I said the time’ll pass by so fast. But I was wrong when I said the others.

In the first month everything was okay, because everythings was new for me. People, places, school, language, culture, traditions, humor and really everything! I think this feeling, what it’s like you can’t thinking about other things and you are busy with getting used to the news, in Hungary we call „culture-shock”. And when you’re over, this is the point when you really start to live in your new country, in your new home.. or when you start to miss your family. Yes, how I said under the „Behaviour” title, sometimes it was so hard to feeling alone. I totally hate it. This is my death, my worst nightmare. I really try to be close to the people, but I was getting far because of fear of making mistakes, and because of the language. And I don’t like when I am misunderstanding something neither. Or just don’t understand anything.

I just collected moments which hurted, and there was a point when a really little thing was enough for totally break me down. I remember, I was in my spanish course with my friends, Mika (from USA) and Jass (from Canada). Before this lesson I bought a shirt with my mum. When I asked her about its prize, she said it’s okay. She was glad, because we were after my first month, and it was the first thing what I bought. (I don’t know why, I just didn’t need anything.)

My friends first reaction was „Yeah, it is so nice, but at the next time you shouldn’t buy clothes for this prize, because it’s so expensive.”. Bumm.. I was happy to have something from here at the first time, and make my host mum happy too, I felt I finally did something right. But it wasn’t that great like I thought. It was just a so small thing, but when we continued working and I still didn’t understand what the others already got, I couldn’t explain and teacher was like she doesn’t care that much,.  (Or I was just that negative and saw everything from the wrong side..) I don’t really know, but I felt I should be alone, so I asked for go to the bathroom.

I had to sit on the floor, because I couldn’t stand. I sat down, looked up and started to cry quietly. Everything started to run trough my mind. In my thought I was sooo far away. I remembered the forest close to our house, my favourite place, where maybe I would be alone, but it wasn’t that bad loneliness. It was always which you need sometimes. Just relax, and think about the world, about the trees and you find your patient again. I remembered my school. Where I knew how things go, I never got confused, because if I didn’t understand something I understood when somebody explained (because we speak in the same language). I thought about my village and my city which I knew and weren’t that strange and noisy. I imagined while I am looking out my window and I am seeing the mountains with the sunrise, what I’ve not seen for one month, because in my room here there wasn’t any normal window looking to the garden. But the window doesn’t matter, because every house is too close to see the sunrise or the twilight. I was thinking about my family, my friends and my language too. I felt lost. I didn’t believe that I’ll ever have a power for doing this during the whole year. Or just doing it for during the next days or weeks. I felt it was enough, I am out. I thought everybody was wrong when they said I am going to be a really great exchange student. In these moments I just realized how many things I belong to my country, to my home with. I just left my family, left my country without any tears. And now nobody can see them. And here nobody can know, nobody will, because I can’t explain how I feel, what I think. I was so alone. I asked the Sky to help me, to give me a power to get over the pain, because there was nobody who I could ask.

For luck, I realized I’ve spent too much time in the bathroom and it’ll be so strange, so I stopped crying, washed my face and went back like nothing happened. „You can do it. Stay strong.”- I cheered for myself. And I did it. I survived that day. And the next day, and the next, and the next. I don’t know how or when I was okay again, but I was.

Now I know that sometimes I am just so tired, and when I am tired I am more emotional, miss love more, so because of that I am weaker, and can’t stand many things which are not real big problems. After those days I just have to sleep and on the next morning I’ll be okay.

But for staying with the title, with the values, when I was missing my home, I learnt how much it means to me. How the family is important in our lives. That the blood is stronger than anything but we still need friends who understand us. How the love is important. Love by my family, by my friends. How only one hug can change our day, or only one smile or nice word can light up a whole day. I could be happy for the little things in Hungary too. But here I learnt about the value of these things.

Now I know that you can’t know what you will miss, until you’re actually not doing. I was missing the grass, the clouds, the cold, the small butterflies, the flowers in the fields, my dog who always waits for me after school, and I still remember for her baying, for her woof when I am finally at home. I was missing animals, because animals (especially dogs and horses) love us not because what we say. But because HOW we say and HOW we treat them. And my first family didn’t have any animals, which was so sad. I felt weird sometimes, but then I got it why: I was missing horses so much from my life!
In Hungary I was hoping, dreaming all the time from that one day when I will have the opportunity again of having a horse. I was always hoping, and telling to myself that this time is not for the infinity. Somehow I survived for now, and I will survive without them until the end of my exchange, but I really don’t want, I can’t live like this. It was enough time for weigh things and realize how important the horses are for me. 

For getting back, I missed all the little things. And we miss what is important for us. „Everything is so important”- I realized.

The time was passing by so fast. I got so much memories, so many little things what I will never forget. After and in the South Trip with the other exchange students I realized that getting drunk makes no sense. Not because I experienced, but because I saw it and I remembered from Hungary. It is more important to being with your family or your true friends and see a movie together and just having fun without so much alcohol too. For luck I knew before too, that nights what you don’t remember don’t make any sense neither. Because „Life is life just until you have memories from that you live.”- like how one of my friend said.

I know that nobody wants to be alone. But for some people don’t matter anything, they just want to feel love, doesn’t matter if it’s just for a night or it’s just because of they are drunk. But these are fake feelings. I learnt they don’t have value and the true things have soo-soo much more! I try to keep clear of anything like this, I never want to be used, or be just by somebody’s side because there is nobody else… I already knew these things years ago too, but when you experience something it’s stronger, when you just know it from the others.

I’ve always been close to my sister, it wasn’t surprise that I miss her. But with my brother we haven’t been that close. Of course we love each other because we are brother and sister, but sometimes we jarred more times than we had normal conversation.. In my first family I’ve had two sisters (but one of them I’ve not met yet, because she is exchange student too) and two younger brothers. I love them so much too, but sometimes I just couldn’t believe how they can jar with each other, or how they can talk with their parents like that. They showed me a kind of mirror, of course I always try to speak my parents with the biggest respect, so I think I’ve never had bigger problems with that, but with my brother and sister we sometimes jar too much. I felt so sorry for every hurting words what I told them. How could I do that? They are my family! I should love them mostly! I knew that from now everything’ll change when I’ll be at home. I am going to tell my sister how much I am proud for her just because who is she, because she stays herself no matter what, keeps being loyal to her thoughts and opinions and doesn’t let the others to change her. Because I know how hard is being yourself in a world which is trying to make you be like anybody else. I am also going to tell that to my brother, I’ll always look up at him how he plays a guitar, and I already see now that we will get closer because of the same love: playing on this beautiful instrument. We are just going to be a perfect band, because I prefer playing with chords, but he prefers playing more difficult, solo parts. I can’t tell how thankful I am for those paraguayan people who teached me, cheered for me and gave me the opportunity for playing a guitar. Especially for my adorable, superkind, superlovely host- sister, Zara, for her guitar what she gave to me. I still can’t believe how she could be that incredible.

After when I already learnt how important the small, but true things are, I realized that these paraguayan, exchange things are very-veeery important too! So I stopped just survive here, and I started to live my life with my whole heart. I told how I felt, I said what I thought. And everything became better.

My host club didn’t want me to change. My family never had problems with me, and Rotary never heard any bad news from me, so I had a chance for stay. It would be comfortable to stay in the same place, don’t move, don’t have to get used to anything new, don’t conform to new people. And if I stay, I shouldn’t worry any things from that list. I was thinking about it so much, and I decided: I want to change families. Not because I don’t love my family, I totally do. But for example in my country we HAVE TO change, and I think it has a reason. Every change is harder than staying in a same place, but things could be better too. So much better. Now I am very happy with my decision.

Friendships

I learnt so much in my exchange year. I can’t decide from what mostly, but maybe from friendships, from my new and old friends.
I knew this exchange will be a really big test of friendships, and there will be many surprises. Nice surprises and not that nice surprises.

Let’s start with my class in Hungary. In the last year what I spent with them, I felt I get closer to them. In our class-trip I was with everybody, I thought how sad it is, that I am going to leave them soon. We won’t play football when it’s snowing, everything is white and sooo cold, and we won’t do those other crazy things together neither.

But I didn’t cry, when I left my class. I didn’t go to school in my last weeks, because I was getting ready for my long travelling, I was learning spanish (although I forgot everything) and english (with what happened the same), preparing my clothes, my documents and everything.
I left on Monday, if I remember well. So I went to visit them in Friday for say goodbye, and be with them for the last time. We already knew that I am not going to come back to this class, because I’ll miss a year, and it’s impossible to pass exams in 2 months, so I will go to an other class, I will finish the school one year later.

I went to the school. And nothing happened. Not nothing nothing, but nothing special. Some people asked me when I am going to go to the airport exactly, or I’ll stay with them or not, and someones wished me a nice trip and asked me for take care of myself, but everything with no hugs or without anything like this. Just my real best friend, when I went to her class in the break. But when I left we had a class. I remember, it was History. I had to go to the bus, because I didn’t want to miss it. I asked the teacher to go out, I said goodbye and they said the same.. then I left. And that was all. But for better understand you have to know that in Hungary every class is so much more serious than here. For example you can’t stand up without any permission, and for the permission you need a really-really good reason. For example with one of our teachers we couldn’t do really nothing. Once me and my neighbour looked at each other while we were smiling and because of that she got so mad, and asked us: „What was that funny?! Why are you smiling?! Tell me. I want to have fun too!.. Why are you smiling?! I asked something!.. Oh nothing?.. Nothing.. Yeah, nothing is so funny..” so we just stopped everything, and tried to not sleep and looking at just her all the time. Oh, and an other time, I took the book what we were learning. A book what we had to read or something like this. You have to know that in my class almost nobody reads these books, just two-three of us. And normally we don’t take these books to the school. I took it because I wanted to be a little diligent, make her happy a little bit. It was in strophes, and she read a part of it. I was reading faster than her, and I changed to the next page. She stopped to read and came for me. She said: „We aren’t here. We are still in an other page. Why are you not working with us?!”

My thoughts (and maybe my face too) was like: „What?! Are you kidding me?! I am sorry for bringing this book! You should be glad for me, I am one of them who want to work with you, are you serious? I am not going to do nothing anymore, so you will have nothing what you can tease me with, or because of what you can be mad.” But I said: „Okay, I am sorry.” And I closed the book. She made me nervious. „What are you doing? I didn’t tell you that you have to close the book.”- she said. I wanted to say something, but I felt that we better continue the class, so I just opened it again, looked for the actually page and waited her to finish the class.

Yes, the lessons are so different in Hungary. Here you have how I left. Before I thought this is the best class I can ever belong to. But I already have two of these best classes.

Now I know, you can’t know if you’ll cry or not when you’ll leave people. When I thought I will cry, I didn’t. When I thought I won’t cry because of missing my family, I did. I thought I won’t cry when I will leave Paraguay, because my class teased me too much here and I didn’t feel that I belong to them. But I know I can’t imagine how I will cry.

Maybe my hungarian class didn’t make me feel like my paraguayan class did in my first months, but in the biggest part of the time I couldn’t count on them- I mean on my class in Hungary. (RESPECT for the ones on who I could!!) Maybe my paraguayan class tease me so much sometimes, but it’s normal here, they’re just joking and they still love me. And if I have any kind of problems, I can tell them, I can count on them all the time.
I learnt that those who love you when you are with them, they care about you when they need something, but they say bad things from you behind your back, they are not your friends.
But those who maybe tease you every single day, which can hurt so bad if you didn’t get used to, who make jokes on you almost all the time, but they hug you when they finish, they are by your side when you are in trouble, they really care about you especially when you look sad, and they won’t stop asking you until you don’t tell them what happened to you (doesn’t matter if it’s a long story, because they have time for listening you). So these friends are the real ones!
I hate distance so much. Because you met the best of people, and they’ll be always far away..

I am going to tell you a story how a best friend started to become an „ex-friend” during my exchange year.
We’ve known each other for years. We became friends, and how the time passed, memories were made, best friends too. She lives in the town where I study. It’s thirty-forty minutes far from my home. Once she wrote that there are really big and bad problems in her family and she needs someone to talk to. I didn’t care that our other friends live closer, and maybe they can go and talk with her. I didn’t care because usually everybody is busy, and in the afternoon everybody has something to do. So I immediately told her that I am in the town with the next bus. When I told itt o my mum, she got angry, because she doesn’t like when I am leaving like this. She wants to know one day earlier, or better earlier, what I totally can understand, but I must go. She is my friend, I can’t leave her alone when she needs someone on who can count! So I left. I had tor un, because I almost missed the bus, but I got it, went to the town and we talked.
When she had other problems, she always could tell me and I always tried to do my best to help her.
But when I became an exchange student we weren’t that close anymore. She still could tell me her problems and everything, but when everything was okay, she was busy because of anything else, she didn’t search me. She didn’t write. Maybe she just forgot, but maybe she doesn’t care.. If it wouldn’t be enough I heard something what she said from me and she got closer to her old „best friend” (who she didn’t miss when this girl left from our class but it’s totally not important, and now she said this is „true friendship”..) that was a point when I said „Okay. If this is friendship for you, I don’t want to be your friend anymore”. From this time I don’t really care.

And on the other side, there are my paraguayan friends. We’ve known each other just for 8 months, they tease me and everything so I’ve never thought that we will ever be that close like with my friend from Hungary (from who I talked some sentences earlier), but they are friends-friends! They don’t care if it’s a long story or I can’t explain it just in a really hard way, because they have time for me. And they don’t just listen it, they seriously want to help.

I lost people from who I thought they are my friends. I found people from who I never imagined that we will be really good friends. I found people with who we became friends after a really short time. I have old friends who showed me they are true friends, and because of distance and time we just got closer. And I have veery-veery old friends, with who I maybe didn’t talk that much, but now we are planning when we will meet in summer again. It was like:
- Why we didn’t talk before?
- I don’t know.. But from now we will.

Mind and thoughts

        

         It’s the hardest part, because I want to talk about my thoughts, how I saw myself and how I see myself now. And there are lot of things what about hard to talk, what so many people don’t know etc. It’s hard to honestly talk in front of other people about your thoughts about how you look at yourself with every deep points. But I am going to do it. Let’s start.
         My old thoughts what I brought from Hungary: „Oh my God, how can you be that ugly?”- ask myself looking at the mirror. „Why did I want to cut my hair like that, just look at it, it’s awful!”  I still don’t understand myself why I cut my long hair some years ago. It was so stupid.
I put my glasses into my bag. I won’t use them, just if it is really necessary. I don’t want to be „the spectacled girl who looks clever” and who nobody wants. Yeah.. nobody wants me, my class doesn’t miss me, surely there is a really big problem with me. I hate being ugly.. I really do. But I can’t do anything else, just change things on me what I can. I mean for example I can’t change my face, but „You looks better without glasses” these things can burn into your mind.
         Yes, my thoughts were so horrible from myself. I didn’t come here just because of the language, the culture and knowing everything about this country and these people, (of course these are the most important things!) but because I also wanted to leave my old-self behind. I wanted to change so much. Maybe I hoped that here a wonder will happen and when I will go back I won’t be one of the ugly girls. I am actually not kidding, I seriously thought that, or what is worse I FELT that.
„She is more beautiful than you.” , „How she sings is so much better than yours.”, „Everybody wants her, but what about you?” or when I was myself „What are you doing??.. Better stop it.”
I was totally escaping from my old life and searching a fraternity where I can belong to. I have had friends in Hungary, but usually I didn’t feel that I belong to my friends from the class, because I was the only one who lived that far away from them. I have best friends who have horses, but sometimes I felt that I don’t belong to them neither, because I don’t have horses anymore, and I already weren’t that close to this world than before. It doesn’t mean that I didn’t want. It means I wanted to belong to them so soo much, but I couldn’t. I don’t have horses, I can’t ride a horse whenever I want and sometimes when I went to their house there we couldn’t neither, because always happened some other things.. Horses were just getting out of my life.
         But let’s go back to the title. I was afraid because of the language. I have to know it almost fluently, because when I will go back I have to pass on the language-exam. And this fear didn’t pass for a very long time, because everybody told me that one month later my spanish will be so much better.. But it wasn’t! It was soooo hard.

         What I learnt on my first month, that they don’t care how I look like. They still cheer me, hug me, just like when it was a competition and my face was red, my hair was wet.
I got that, but I still didn’t understand why they were teasing me that much, especially when I tried to be as kind as I could. I didn’t have any idea why I couldn’t be good enough. „It’s not my world.”- I thought.
         For example sometimes nobody was with me. But later Nico started to be with me, but the others started to teased me with him, so I tried to keep a little distance just for keeping me clear from teasing.. But I just almost lost my first friend. Can you imagine how bad it is, when you already have a friend in a really new place, and he doesn’t want to leave you alone, but you still want to keep distance because the others tease you? Can you imagine how I felt, when I was alone, because I didn’t want them to tease me, so I kept distance from them and this one friend was mad because of my fault? It’s a shitty feeling, you shouldn’t imagine and I hope that nobody have to feel.
I think you already don’t need more explanation for understanding how hard it was for me at the beginning.

But let’s see how everything changed.

         In Paraguay lot of people told me „You’re beautiful.”, „I like your hair!” or „I like your eyes!” and of course they said that, because I am the blond one between lot of girls who have dark hair and dark eyes. I thought it’s just because I am different.

But during my year I learnt that the beauty isn’t just relative, but beauty is everywhere and it doesn’t depend on your clothes or on your hair. You just have to be who you truly are and your truly friends will love you for yourself. But I spent too much time on places where things outside are more important than things inside, so I had to find myself too.
         I got used to be teased and every weird jokes what are normal in Paraguay and then I found myself again.

         Before everybody said that being unperfect is okay, because nobody is perfect. But it is actually not true. Because everybody is perfect just the way they are! I understood that I don’t have to be like somebody else, and just similar neither. You must be loyalty to your home, your nation, your lover, your friends but you must NOT forget yourself neither.

         I’ve known so many people in my host-country, paraguayans and exchange students too. Everybody is different, but every single person is so amazing. I’ve learnt so much from the world, and I not just started to love all of it, but I found my second home here.
We had an exercise in English lesson. We had to write a dialogue from our home or our favourite place. I chose the „home” theme, but it would be borring, so I started to think in another way. Firstly I wanted to write about my home in Paraguay, after I decided I am going to write from the whole Hungary, but I didn’t feel that this is the best.. Finally I wrote from the whole Earth, just like from my home. Where it is, how many rooms are there, it has a garden etc. I think if more people would think about the whole world like their home, everything would be different and so much better. Maybe there will be a day when it is going to happen. I hope.

         But I should stay with the title. My mind and thoughts changed a lot. My mind is more opened, my thoughts are so much better from myself and from the whole life. I’ve learnt so many new things here from these people, the country, the culture, the values, the life, the world, from myself and just from everything. And I learnt how to play a guitar, and it was one of my biggest dream since when I was 6-7-years-old girl.

I am so lucky. So lucky and really happy with my choice. (I could say that I am not going to do this year.) And incredibly thankful for my family because without them all of that wouldn’t be possible! For my family who supported to me, and for those friends who didn’t forget and who cheered me. And finally thank you Paraguay, thank you my paraguayan friends for everything, for every changes, for every laugh, for every teasing, for helping me!

       „- Which country do you want to visit?

-      I don’t know. Why?

-      You said you wanted to go to Argentina..

-      Yes. But if I will ever have money for that long journey, I am going to come back here.”

Dorottya Anna Frank

~~~~~~~~~~❤~~~~~~~~

Ps.: Firstly, sorry for my English, haha! :D Secondly, get ready, because I am coming back sooo soon! (37 days later) ❤